Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Who Knew?

My daughter was colicky. Four words that sum up months and months of inconsolable screaming, non-sleeping, horrible nursing hell.

This boy eats, sleeps, poops, and pees in an orderly fashion. You can put him down. Now, we still have a grandmother living with us until I'm back on my feet, but the difference in infants is already stunning. I had no idea. I just hope it persists. (Fervently.)

Bottlefeeding rocks. Guilt free, of course. No one, not even the hospital lactation consultants, can fault you when your milk never comes in due to a rare and life-threatening delivery complication. Apparently my body prioritizes attempting to heal my kidneys (currently full of dead cells) over sending milk to my breasts. And so, ANYONE can do the night feelings!! I thought I'd miss the bonding, but it turns out holding the baby and peering into his eyes while holding his bottle is every bit as good. Again, who knew?

I'm still a bit of a mess. Everything hurts. I have bruises the likes of which I didn't think possible. I can't eat and sleeping is a bit hit or miss. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I'm not sure how much is normal postpartum hormones and how much is post-trauma stress. Dr. Favorite has told us we're getting counseling, and I cannot disagree. How we will schedule this is in remains a mystery, but we'll have to find the time.

D is doing much better now that Mommy is home. My poor abandoned baby girl. I feel so guilty.

Renal failure is not a walk in the park. I have a persistent taste in my mouth that defies description. It's nasty. I don't want to eat, nor can I eat much on my current low potassium and low sodium diet. The silver lining is that I'm already back at my pre-pregnancy weight. I lost 56 pounds in 8 days. A lot of that was retained fluids. But still.

Next up is my followup with the nephrologist on Thursday. Please let my kidney function return.


MrsSpock said...

Most of the women in my maternal line have never made colostrum or milk. Great-grandma hired all 12 children out to a wet nurse and the rest of us were bottle fed. And I'd say we all bonded well :).

Thank goodness your boy is an easy baby- you have enough on your plate already. I hope your visit with the nephro goes well.

electriclady said...

Hmm, yes, I think I'll pass on "life-threatening childbirth complication" as a means to guilt-free bottlefeeding. ;)

Glad you're enjoying your boy...hope your kidneys make a full recovery. And do make time for counseling--Mama's got to take care of herself before she can take care of anyone else. (If only I could take that advice myself!)

Ann said...

My opinion is that post-partum hormones exacerbate the emotions you would have had anyway. I found that once the hormones had settled themselves again, I was much better equipped to deal with all the shit that had happened to us. I hope the same happens with you.

Lori said...

C'mon, you kidneys. Start slurping and churning all that fluid. You can do it!

Cathy said...

Go kidneys!

Geohde said...

I think you are amazing handling a newborn and an older child whilst still in renal failure.

Hoping your appointment goes well,