Good

All is well, cervix excellent, mother-in-law visiting... I shall attempt to write more once she goes away.

The cervix looks good. Man, I am so happy. Even my mother-in-law can't dampen my spirits, and that's saying something.

The Madness Continues

I'm cleaning my oven. Yeah, you heard me right. I've never cleaned an oven in my life. And yet, here I am. I've really gone 'round the bend.

Note: apparently the oven in our current house is "self-cleaning." There's a button that says "clean" and so I pressed it. 30 minutes in, all the gunk on the bottom of the oven has burst into flame. Is this normal?

I am really in pregnancy-distraction mode. And yet, I also followed the link from Mel's blog over to Meg's blog and read through all of her archives, ending on the post announcing her third second-trimester stillbirth. I cried. How heartbreaking. I so wish that none of us had to live through any of this crap. I'm angry at the world, and yet in a reasonably upbeat mood at the same time. How is that possible? Maybe I've already gone 'round the bend.

Next cervix check: Thursday morning. I'm contracting like a madwoman over here. Let's hope this cervix is still behaving as if it's made of stainless steel.

Speaking of which, I also cleaned the front of the kitchen appliances with stainless steel appliance cleaner. What's wrong with me? I'm not like this. Really. My idea of housekeeping is to wash a load of laundry and dump it on the bedroom floor. I suspect this weekend's upcoming visit from my mother-in-law is somehow involved.

Energy Burst

I've been going crazy around this place. The following unusual activities have been sighted around my house:

1. Vacuuming and mopping
2. General tidying
3. Organizing of the garage
4. Cooking that doesn't involve moving something from freezer to oven or microwave
5. Laundry has been both folded and put away in a timely fashion

I think I am enjoying the freedom that comes from having a child old enough to not be held or closely watched all the time. We can get out of the house, run errands, go to social events and even manage the occasional restaurant experience without anyone pulling out all of their hair. I have enough energy to get me through the average day without completely crashing. This state of affairs has taken two years to achieve.

I'm starting to think that these days are more numbered than I thought. Whatever happens, they will definitely be gone come January. (This frightens me, but is a topic for another day.) As my contractions seemingly intensify and also occur over a larger part of the day, I'm wondering more and more what the next cervix check will bring. I am very hopeful that my feelings from last time prove true (that I'm just a person who contracts a lot, and without that precipitating bleed from my pregnancy with D, my cervix is fine with this). But, I am also very afriad that the next few weeks will bring me an order to stay in bed for three months. I don't know if I can do that again without losing my sanity. I am terrified. I'm not sleeping well. I'm afraid to confide my fears to H because he's already so very anxious himself.

And so I'm ignoring these fears, to the very best of my ability, and getting things knocked off my to-do list at an astounding rate. If this keeps up I may unpack some of the boxes in the garage from when we moved into the house, 2 years ago.

Well, then again, let's not get crazy. If I haven't needed anything in there in 2 years, perhaps things are best left as they are.

Whew

42 millimeters. Yeah, baby! Now I have 2 weeks in which I can work myself into a whole new panic. For now, I am much relieved.

Surely there's a warehouse store somewhere where we can go pick up a 2-pack of kids and avoid all this pregnancy crap?

Hiding in My Hole

I can't blog. I've gone from over the moon ecstatic and optimistic, to terrified of what tomorrow's cervical measurement will bring. We're right in the middle of where things tanked with my pregnancy with D and I am not handling it well. I'm contracting all over the place and H is nervous and his anxiety is rubbing off on me. Which is weird becasue deep down, I really am starting to think that I am just a woman who contracts a lot while pregnant (my mother says she was the same) and the thing that made that matter when I was pregnant with D was the subchorionic bleed, which by all accounts was a fluke and unlikely to recur this time around.

I know that makes no sense. I need to go to bed. Tomorrow we'll know what's up in there. Then I get to go give my lecture students their first exam of the semester. Giving an exam is much easier on me than lecturing for three hours. I really hope everything goes well tomorrow. It feels like a particularly crucial checkup to me. Maybe that's because at 21 and a half weeks, we really are teetering on the brink of viability here.

Long cervix. Long cervix. Breathe. Breathe.

Doh-dee-doh-dee-doh

I don't have anything in particular to say but I feel like I should post. So, perhaps we'll do bullet points today.

--It's hotter than hell here. All of Southern California is having "unseasonably warm weather." Unseasonably warm my ass. It's a friggin' sauna. And I've got this thing squirming around inside my uterus. I don't think crabby and grouchy are strong enough words to describe my mood. I do not handle heat well.

--I'm having a hard time adjusting to the idea of this child, if born safely, being a boy. Which is odd, because I had really thought D was going to be a boy and I had to get used to the idea of her being a girl. Now I'm mourning the loss of her potential sister. Go figure. H has picked up on this and is afraid to express excitement over our potential son because he doesn't want to upset me. That poor man. I don't know how he's going to tolerate me if I keep this up.

--We bought a new car on Friday. A family car. My teeny convertible got me through one kid, but even I could see we needed something bigger. My husband loves it. I'm ambivolent. Friday was an expensive day.

--Yesterday I hit 20 weeks. Halfway to the mythical 40 weeks of a "normal" pregnancy. I'm on the downhill slope of this one. Of course, I have not failed to note that I am now past the last point in my pregnancy with D where my cervix was well-behaved. They measured it on Friday at 41.9 mm so now we wait and see if things are headed down the same path as with D. Oddly enough, now that we're into the preterm labor danger zone, I am calm. 20 weeks is still too soon for viability. I think I'm going to lose my grip when we get into that area where the baby could survive but would likely have major problems. 24 to 28 weeks is going to be hard for me.

--I made my first new baby purchases (besides the car, of course). I carefully read and considered all return policies. I got a pouch (I hated my old sling) and some new and improved bottles. I find it odd that right as we enter my personal pregnancy danger zone, I feel comfortable enough to buy things. I am insane.

--My next appointment isn't until the 13th. I don't know what I am going to do with myself until then. I'm no longer supposed to do anything active in the evenings (this is when I tend to contract). Other than that, I am to use my own judgement.

--Oh, and we checked out double jogging strollers today, too. The one I like is $530. Um, I'm sorry, but that is INSANE. I will now haunt Craig's List in the hopes of finding one used for a sum that I am willing to part with.

I'm sorry this post is so lame. I've been putting off posting all week due to the heat and my associated mood. Maybe I should have kept that up. Oh, well. I'll try and sleep and hopefully things will be better tomorrow.